I've Been Keeping A Secret.

I've been keeping a secret. 


This parenting three children gig is hard. 

Over the past few weeks I've had several comments said to me, ranging from, 'How do you always look awake, with so little sleep.." to "You make it look so easy."

First things first. The whole looking so awake part is purely down to a lot of expensive makeup and a stupid amount of concealer under the eyes.

Two children, I had a handle on. They were both sleeping through the night. Out of nappies and feeding themselves. Apart from the daily teeth brushing battles I was doing ok. 

Now though, I have a constant case of Mum guilt. My house never looks tidy. Henry's cot is full of clean washing, that I'm not sure will ever make it back to their drawers (but at least it's clean right?) I try and get up half an hour before the kids in the morning to get a head start. (Most days they hear me.) I'm outnumbered and my children know it.  

The Mum guilt though, it's real and it's harsh. 

I feel bad for James. He's the eldest so I feel like he gets the rough end of the deal. He's at the age where he can help me but then I feel guilty. He's becoming more independent so it's easy to forget that he still needs me just as much as the other two do. 
I feel bad for Emilie. She went from being the baby of the family to all of a sudden I'm asking her to try and get herself dressed, expecting her to try and keep the noise down whilst the baby sleeps and not to empty the dog shampoo down the toilet. (She totally did this last week..) 
I feel bad for Henry. James had me to himself for 4 and a half years before Emilie came along. Then Emilie was only 6 weeks old when James started school so she had me to herself all day every day. Henry thought, he might have a lot of my attention all day but he never has my undivided attention. 

Off course the good outweighs the bad. I am never short on cuddles or sticky kisses. Just making a chocolate spread sandwich earns me a 'You're the best' title. I literally have the best job in the world, but today I'm being honest and telling you that it's hard. I've never been this tired or disorganised. I've never been so anxious about my parenting decisions. I've never second guessed myself so much. 

So if you see my and I look as fresh as a daisy and I look like I've got a handle on everything.. Know that I haven't. I just had time to put my make up on that morning ;) 

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