On Post Natal Depression.

Over the past few year post-natal depression has been spoken about more and more which I personally think is fantastic. Whether it's because more celebrities have spoken out or maybe because social media is helping to make it less of a taboo subject.

I never thought that I would suffer from post-natal depression. I wanted children desperately. I went through so much heartache to become a Mum. Month after month.. Doctor appointment after doctor appointment.. Year after year..

When I fell pregnant with James I didn't quite allow myself to believe it. Surely this would end like all my other pregnancies. Although we had a few scares during the pregnancy and labour, James was born and I was the happiest woman out there. It was love at first sight.

When people say the words "post-natal depression" I think that most people think of it as not bonding with your child or not being able to cope with the demands of parenthood and in severe cases, wanting to hurt your baby. It's not always like that.. In fact I was the exact opposite.

My post-natal depression came in the form of fear. I had lost five babies through miscarriage. I had nearly lost James during delivery so why should I be so lucky to be able to bring home a healthy baby now? I was terrified that something was going to happen to him so I never left his side. I wouldn't allow anyone else to do anything for him. At five weeks old he was put onto medication for his reflux and I wouldn't allow anyone to give him it apart from me. It wasn't that I didn't trust the people around me. I just knew that if I administered it then I knew that the dosage and timing were correct. If a mistake was made then it would be my fault. Before his reflux diagnosis James would scream all day every day and because I had no idea what was wrong with him I would take him temperature.. All the time.. In my mixed up head, if he didn't have a temperature then there wasn't something seriously wrong with him.

At the time I thought all of this was normal. Looking back I can see that it wasn't. I wouldn't leave James with anyone. I drove myself insane by trying to do everything on my own. It was all brought on by fear though. Fear that I would loose my baby. Fear that something terrible would happen to him.

I finally spoke to a doctor after seven months and they offered therapy and medication. I took both and combined they really helped. I wish I hadn't waited so long to admit that I wasn't coping. I think about how different those early months may have been if I had opened up a little more and not tried to cope all by myself.

I feel awful when I hear that other Mum's are too scared to go to the doctors for fear of being judged. Post-natal depression doesn't mean that you don't love your baby. It doesn't mean that you aren't fit to be a Mother. You shouldn't fear admitting that you need a bit of help adjusting to the massive rollercoaster that is raising a child.

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