"Isn't the newborn stage brilliant?"

I've always said that I missed the newborn stage with James. He was so poorly with his reflux, I was fighting with doctors firstly for a diagnosis and then for the proper treatment. I spent my whole time worrying about him and feeling like I was failing him as Mum. He couldn't do a lot of things that babies do because he was so sick. I blinked and all of a sudden he was six months old and then a year. Our biggest turning point was just after he turned one. His reflux got so much better and as that disappeared he became such a happy child! It was then that I realised that maybe I wasn't doing such a bad job.

When I found out that we were expecting Emilie I was so excited that I would get to experience the newborn stage again. I would be able to rock a tiny baby in my arms and not have them screaming and writhing in pain. I wouldn't be fighting with doctors and have my calendar full of doctors appointments. I wouldn't be begging the paediatrician to try the next medication because the one before just wasn't working.

If anything Emilie has been worse than James. Her reflux is the silent kind so although she isn't as sick as he was, (I counted with James one day and he vomited 72 times in one day!) she seems to be in more pain than he was. I documented here enough times about what a temperamental baby she is. Baby girl can hold a three hour scream fest quite easily. But I can't blame her. If I was in constant pain and had no idea how to tell someone then I'd cry all day too. I'm pretty sure that soon the doctors are going to start charging us rent because we are there so often.

This time though I am dealing with it better. This time I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. With James being my first I got to the stage where I thought he would be in pain and unwell forever. I didn't foresee him ever being an happy child. I know that one day Emilie will be happy and smiling. She will be chasing her brother around without a care in the world. She won't scream every time someone other than me goes near her. She won't be on medication forever.

A few times people have said to me.. "Isn't the newborn stage brilliant?"

I feel like I should automatically say yes because isn't that whats expected of Mum's? Yes a newborn baby is amazing. The feel of the weight of them in your arms is perfect and the love that you feel for them as soon as they are placed in your arms is something that you will never understand until you experience it. For me though, when I think about my babies as newborns I feel sad. Sad that I didn't get to have those few carefree weeks where you are cocooned in your own little world with your baby. Sad that my babies spent their first year in pain, unable to tell me and unable to understand it themselves. Sad that instead of rocking them gently to sleep, I would be bouncing them for hours at a time just to get them to stop screaming.

It's okay though because although we are still in the thick of it with Emilie, I know that what comes afterwards is amazing. Yes I feel sad that her newborn stage wasn't the second chance that I had hoped for but that stage is a fleeting moment and one of many. I'm excited for whats to come!

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