I am overwhelmed. Not in an "I can't cope anymore way" but in an "I don't know where things are going" kind of a way. I mentioned in my previous post that I am a planner and organizer. I like to know what is happening and when. I like to make plans and for them not to change. I don't like the unknown. So today I want to get a few things off my chest. To try and clear my mind and who knows maybe by writing these down I will be able to see them in a new light.
- A few weeks ago I wrote about how I couldn't decide between birthing in the hospital or at home. I finally made my decision to try and go for a home birth but I know that it isn't set in stone. Emily could be breech, my Group B Strep could come back.. A number of things could happen that would require me to have her in hospital. I'm trying to figure out who will watch James if I do end up having to be away from home. If it's at night it will have to be someone different from in the day. Am I going to be away for a day or three days? I hate the unknown and it puts me on edge!
- James and I are both having some medical issues at the moment. It honestly feels like we live at the Doctors surgery and the hospital at the moment. I'm pretty sure both establishments are going to be asking me to pay rent soon :) My midwife appointment this morning showed that I have protein in my urine, so that sample has now been sent off and I've been told to watch for headaches, swelling and stomach pain.. In which case it's off to the hospital for me for full pre-eclampsia testing.
- Since James was a baby if he is in the sun for too long or gets too hot then he has what the doctors call Vacant Episodes. These are a form of a seizure. I call it the "Lights are on but no body is home." He will literally stare into space and no amount of talking to him or cajoling him will snap him out of it. We've managed to control it by limiting the amount of time he is allowed in the sun for, not allowing him outside without a sun hat, keeping him very hydrated etc. Well, last weekend things stepped up a gear and without going into to much detail, James suffered a seizure. It happened at night, in his sleep and we have no idea if this has happened before. James has never slept well and even now rarely sleeps through the night so it could very well have happened before and we didn't know. He saw a doctor on Monday who confirmed that this definitely needs to be looked into further. With the seizures coupled with his vacant episodes that he has suffered from since he was 9 months old, we need to look into the fact that this could be epilepsy. That scares me. Actually it frightens the hell out of me but thankfully we have a good doctor who listened to me and agreed with everything I said. He has an appointment with a Pediatrician at the hospital next month and will have to undergo some tests, that I know he isn't going to be fond off. In the mean time, we literally have to watch him like a hawk. The vacant episodes can be easily missed during a bust day. He is now having to sleep in our bed so we will be woken if he suffers from a seizure.
All of this on-top of being nearly 33 weeks pregnant is testing my sanity levels, I'm not going to lie. I know that things will eventually calm down. That things will one at a time, day by day get sorted, I just need to learn that I cannot control everything. It's a lesson that I think I am going to learn a few times over the course of the next few months..
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