Truth.

I know that blog posts that are not all sunshine and rainbows are not the most exciting thing to read and when I'm writing I try not to dwell on the negatives in my life but this post I need to write and I'm going to be brutally honest.

I've mentioned before about my Emetophobia and how I struggle with it every single day. I'm like a constant ball of anxiety, even on a good day. I think about it constantly. It affects everything I do. I find myself staying in the house to avoid having anxiety attacks outside in public, I cancel appointments at the last minute because the anxiety gets too much for me to cope with.. I don't eat because I'm sure that it will make me vomit. When I do decide that I need to eat something, for example a slice of toast I have this internal battle in my head. One part of me knows that I need to eat and that logically it won't make me vomit but then another part of me is thinking, " don't do it!! You'll just have an anxiety attack!!" It's mad, I know but apparently this phobia is very common.. It's something like the 5th most common phobia in the world. A lot of people don't admit to having it because of the ridicule and embarrassment. The most common response I get when people find out that I have it is, "But no one likes vomiting.."
Yes, that is true. But when you would rather die than vomit, you know that you have a problem..

Anyway, the point to this post? These past few weeks I've found myself feeling more and more depressed. I'm sad that I have this phobia, I'm sad that it controls my life and that I let it. I'm sad that I don't know how to stop letting it control me, I'm sad that I miss out on so much, I'm sad that James has to have a crazy person for a Mum!

It probably doesn't help that I've been feeling so rough for the past few weeks either.. I'm constantly exhausted, light headed and dizzy.. I know that is probably due to my lack of eating proper meals but trying to make myself eat when I feel like poop is the hardest thing ever.. It's like a vicious circle.. I don't eat so I feel bad but then because I feel bad I'm cannot eat.. And the cycle goes on and on..

I sat for a long time this afternoon thinking.. I need a kick up the backside. I need to motivate myself and energy or no energy my kid needs a Mum that is happy and out of the house doing fun things.. So tomorrow morning I will..

Wake up, shower and put make up on!

James and I will go to the local Mum's and Tots group for Wiggle & Jiggle :)

I will prepare and cook a good home made meal from scratch

I will not brush James off because I'm exhausted and have no energy.. If he wants to play cars for three hours with me then we will play cars for three hours!

I will not rush bedtime just so I can sit down and finally close my eyes for two seconds. I will snuggle with him and read him as many books as he wants.. (within reason!) I will smile, tell him how much I love him and relish in those extra few minutes with him.

I don't want to go back to the doctors again because of this. They always brush me off and just presume that I have an eating disorder which is un-true.. (I know that I am severely underweight and am trying desperately to gain weight.. I've managed to put on a whole stone so far), So I am going to try and beat this depression myself. I know that I will never be free from Emetophobia and I accept that but I can try to not let it control every aspect of my life.. So tomorrow it begins..

And just to add a bit of sparkle to this post, look at what James accomplished today. He can write the whole alphabet! He then decided he wanted to write some words and he spelt them all on his own.. One very proud Mama here :)

2 comments

  1. Oh thank you for sharing this. I was never aware of this before. The term you used. Emetophobia. Takes a lot to share.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sickness can be a B sometimes...thank you for sharing this.

    ReplyDelete

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