June 2012 | Rosy Cheeks & Muddy Feet

Fear and Hope

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This past week or so I have been struggling more than normal with my Emetophobia and Anxiety. I feel like I am sinking into a big black hole and I'm powerless to stop it. It doesn't help that I am constantly exhausted, even though I sleep well at night. I'm off to the doctors on Tuesday to see if they will test my iron levels as I seem to have all the symptoms of low iron. It wouldn't surprise me if that was the case because of my lack of food intake.

This past week I have been desperately searching for something to help me.. I don't actually know what I'm looking for but I've been delving into self-help books and cruising the internet hoping that something will jump out at me and that it will be the answer that I've been looking for. I just want to stop being afraid. I don't want to live in fear anymore. I want to be able to eat like a normal person and not have this internal battle in my head all the time.






I know that I am the only person that can help me. I think that's the scariest part of all. It's all down to me. I can either choose to carry on living in fear and starving my body or I can choose to live. I can choose to not be afraid. I let Emetophobia control me and I'm the only one that can change that.






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James - Friday Favorite Things

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Last nights meeting at James' new school started me thinking. I literally sat there the whole time thinking "How can my baby be old enough to be starting Nursery?"

I swear it feels like 10 minutes ago I was holding a pregnancy test with 2 blue lines and screaming at Anthony whilst jumping up and down... I blinked and now I have a three year old that is about to take his very first steps into the big wide world without me.. 




He went from a tiny baby completley dependent on me, to a energetic little boy that is becoming so independent it's scary.





In honour of my nostalga, my denial about James being big enough to leave the house for three hours a day without me and also Friday Favorite Things I give you my 10 favorite things about James..


1 - I love how he loves to learn! He would rather practice his alphabet or learn how to spell some words than play with his toys!

2 - I love how before bed he will climb onto my lap and we have "Mummy Snuggles"

3 - I love how he wants to be just like his Dad




4 - I love that he loves his entire family. The look on his face when I tell him that we're going to see Nanny, Grandad or his Aunties and Uncles you would've have thought I'd told him that we were going to see Santa at Disney Land.

5 - I love his innocence

6 - I love it when he randomly tells me that he loves me.

7 - I love it when he repeats something that he has heard an adult talking about.. He thinks that he's all grown up.





8 - I love how he always has a smile on his face.. Part of being innocent I guess :)

9 - I love it when he wraps his arms around my neck and gives me a cuddle

10 - I love him just for being James! 





 

friday favorite things | finding joy




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Wordless Wednesday.

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Have a great day!


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Sometimes & Always

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This is going to be quick because I feel like death!


Sometimes I dread getting the arts & crafts out because I know that when I tell James that it's time to put them away it will be tantrum central

Always I love watching him paint and the concentration he gets on his face.






Sometimes I get agitated when Anthony is on the xbox and he's been playing for hours
Always it's so funny to hear him chatting away to other players on xbox live.



Sometimes I feel guilty for not having a pristine home with everything in it's place
Always I realise that James is only going to be little once and I don't think he'll care that Mummy didn't dust the shelves everyday!








If you want to link up then head over to Megan's Blog :)





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Miscellany Monday

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miscellany monday at lowercase letters 



1) After spending 5 hours today at the computer, I think I've managed to salvage 'most' of my photos that I lost off my old laptop.. I even managed to gain a few that my sister had on her Picasa Album.. Some of me in labour, that I will not be sharing! And some beauties like this..





I sometimes forget how little he once was.. It makes me long for another baby so much.

After the stress of loosing all my photos and then getting most of them back again, I think the time has come for me to invest in an hard drive and starting backing up.


2) I recently started reading this...





I'm about half way through and so far, I'm loving it. Whether it's true or not, I don't know.. Personally I don't forsee any cheques flooding through my letterbox any time soon but who said wishful thinking ever hurt?



3) At the moment, my motivation keeps coming in waves.. I have all these great ideas like deep cleaning the whole of my house and then when it actually comes to doing it.. That's another story.. You should have seen my laundry pile this morning.. Actually, no you shouldn't have, it was far too embarassing.


4) On Thursday Evening we have a parents meeting at the school where James will be starting nursery in September.. The fact that we are going to meet with his teacher just reminds me how quickly he is growing up..






Feel like putting all your random thoughts into some kind of coherant post? Go link up with Carissa :)
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Fathers Day

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Growing up I didn't really celebrate Father's Day. My Sisters and I were raised by just our Mum so Father's Day didn't really come onto my radar until we had James.

Today we celebrated Anthony.




Anyone that knows him knows that he has a love for all things old and a love for Engineering. Our town isn't big enough for a train station but there use to be one many moons ago and although it's now closed down the old station is still there and it's now a Museum, run by some older men that share Anthony's love for Steam Engines. Today they were running an Old Steam Engine Train on the one mile of track that is still there.. And Dad's got to go free! For Anthony this was like putting a child in Hamley's Toy Store and telling them to go wild.








To be honest I'm not sure who was more excited about the train ride.. Anthony or James? We picked James up from my Mum's house and all he talked about was the train we were about to go on.  




Because there isn't a lot of train track left, they made the journey twice. Honestly, I don't think Anthony has had so much fun in ages :)


After that we went and visited their model railway.. James now wants one but I think it will be a few more years before we trust him with one..





We finished off the day with a friend of ours, his three kids and me cooking a Beef Roast dinner.. I managed to whip it all together in about 2 hours.. My personal best!



Please excuse the mess in my kitchen! 7 people, 4 kids and a rushed dinner makes a lot of mess!


Anthony's just told me that he's had a fantastic day and I'm glad.. He might drive me insane most days but James and I are lucky to have him even if he does leave wet towels on the bathroom floor!

Happy Fathers Day!





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A Night Away From Home..

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Tonight James is spending his 2nd night ever away from home.. He doesn't go away from home without us often but it has been arranged for over a month now.. Originally Anthony and I were meant to be going out but those plans fell through so we've decided to just spend the night at home together. James is all excited to be having a 'sleepover' and my Mum is excited that she finally gets to have her Grandson for a whole evening to herself... Me? Part of me is looking forward to some peace and quiet! Another part of me is scared! We were not blessed with a great sleeper and it's not very often that he sleeps through the night. Also he has been suffering with nightmares lately..





I know that he'll be fine and I trust my Mum.. Plus he's five minutes down the road so if he does wake up in the middle of the night and gets too upset my Mum can just put him in the car and bring him home again but I guess that as a Mum there will always be a little part of me that worries when he's not with me.

I guess I had better get used to him being away from home.. He starts nursery in September.. Now that thought makes me want to cry!




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Miss Me?

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It's offical. I have the most amazing husband in the whole wide world.. I think that he must have gotten fed up with me moaning about my broken laptop and the fact that I couldn't write, blog or upload any photos because this evening he came up trumps and I now have a working laptop.. This makes me the happiest wife!

I'm now desperately going through all my photos on facebook trying to salvage as many photos of James as possible.. When we lived in London I used Facebook to share photos of James with the rest of my family but after we moved back home I kept on adding photos upon photos. I always knew that there was a reason why I done that.. It was for cases like this where my computer dies a death on me and I loose every photo that I have taken over the past four years..

Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to jump and down in excitment :)




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Truth.

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I know that blog posts that are not all sunshine and rainbows are not the most exciting thing to read and when I'm writing I try not to dwell on the negatives in my life but this post I need to write and I'm going to be brutally honest.

I've mentioned before about my Emetophobia and how I struggle with it every single day. I'm like a constant ball of anxiety, even on a good day. I think about it constantly. It affects everything I do. I find myself staying in the house to avoid having anxiety attacks outside in public, I cancel appointments at the last minute because the anxiety gets too much for me to cope with.. I don't eat because I'm sure that it will make me vomit. When I do decide that I need to eat something, for example a slice of toast I have this internal battle in my head. One part of me knows that I need to eat and that logically it won't make me vomit but then another part of me is thinking, " don't do it!! You'll just have an anxiety attack!!" It's mad, I know but apparently this phobia is very common.. It's something like the 5th most common phobia in the world. A lot of people don't admit to having it because of the ridicule and embarrassment. The most common response I get when people find out that I have it is, "But no one likes vomiting.."
Yes, that is true. But when you would rather die than vomit, you know that you have a problem..

Anyway, the point to this post? These past few weeks I've found myself feeling more and more depressed. I'm sad that I have this phobia, I'm sad that it controls my life and that I let it. I'm sad that I don't know how to stop letting it control me, I'm sad that I miss out on so much, I'm sad that James has to have a crazy person for a Mum!

It probably doesn't help that I've been feeling so rough for the past few weeks either.. I'm constantly exhausted, light headed and dizzy.. I know that is probably due to my lack of eating proper meals but trying to make myself eat when I feel like poop is the hardest thing ever.. It's like a vicious circle.. I don't eat so I feel bad but then because I feel bad I'm cannot eat.. And the cycle goes on and on..

I sat for a long time this afternoon thinking.. I need a kick up the backside. I need to motivate myself and energy or no energy my kid needs a Mum that is happy and out of the house doing fun things.. So tomorrow morning I will..

Wake up, shower and put make up on!

James and I will go to the local Mum's and Tots group for Wiggle & Jiggle :)

I will prepare and cook a good home made meal from scratch

I will not brush James off because I'm exhausted and have no energy.. If he wants to play cars for three hours with me then we will play cars for three hours!

I will not rush bedtime just so I can sit down and finally close my eyes for two seconds. I will snuggle with him and read him as many books as he wants.. (within reason!) I will smile, tell him how much I love him and relish in those extra few minutes with him.

I don't want to go back to the doctors again because of this. They always brush me off and just presume that I have an eating disorder which is un-true.. (I know that I am severely underweight and am trying desperately to gain weight.. I've managed to put on a whole stone so far), So I am going to try and beat this depression myself. I know that I will never be free from Emetophobia and I accept that but I can try to not let it control every aspect of my life.. So tomorrow it begins..

And just to add a bit of sparkle to this post, look at what James accomplished today. He can write the whole alphabet! He then decided he wanted to write some words and he spelt them all on his own.. One very proud Mama here :)
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Summer.. Where are you?

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These past few days England has been battered by winds & torrential rain.. In some parts of the country yesterday, a whole months worth of rain fell in just 24 hours... Luckily we don't live in an area that floods but I have to admit I have had enough of this rain.. I mean, it's June!! Where is the sun? Where are the white fluffy clouds? I watched a weather report last night that said that we're pretty much set for a washout summer.. That does not make me happy.. So I live in anticipation and whilst I'm waiting for the Sun to grace us with its presence I bring you my list of things that I cannot wait to do during this Summer...

1 - Picnics in the garden with James.
2 - Having my first cup of tea of the morning in the garden.
3 - Watching my sunflower grow from a tiny seed.
4 - Home made ice lollies.
5 - Little bare feet in the garden.
6 - Salads for dinner.
7 - Trips to the park.
8 - Having my windows wide open with a breeze blowing through the house.
9 - A tired little man at the end of the day, with dirty feet from the garden and smelling off several layers of Sun cream.
10 - Quiet afternoons reading & knitting
11 - BBQ's
12 - Family weekends
13 - My birthday and our wedding anniversary on the same day!!
14 - Sleeping with Bedroom Windows open...


And just so I can remind myself that occasionally the rain does take a break a few photos off my iPhone from last week..



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Sunny Baby Blanket

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A while back I started knitting a blanket and I promised to share the pattern here once I had finished. It took me a while to complete because, well I was lazy! But today I sat for 4 hours and knitted non stop and I have a beautiful baby blanket to show for it. As promised here is the pattern!

You can use any bright colour that you want. I chose pink but I also plan on doing one in baby blue and also yellow.. I used 3 balls of 100 gram yarn and size 8 US needles.. I guess you could use whatever size needles you want!

To begin, cast on 132 stitches and knit 16 rows in the garter stitch.

Next alternate these next two rows for 12 rows.

Row 1 - Knit

Row 2 - Knit 8 (Pearle 8, Knit 4) Last 8 stitches Knit.

Rows 13-18 Knit..

Repeat Rows 1-18 ten more times..

Then repeat rows 1-12 once more.

Knit 16 rows in garter stitch

Bind off and weave in loose ends and block..

The photo below is before I blocked it.

It was fun to knit this! It was my very first blanket and I love how it turned out! This evening I've started a new blanket with a pattern that I have created myself so if it turns out ok then I'll share it here!
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Thoughts.

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I don't know how much longer I can survive without a computer!! If I didn't have my iPhone I think I would have gone completely insane by now. My friend who works with computers is trying to get me a new one for a reasonable price so i'm keeping my fingers crossed..

This week has been low key.. I haven't been feeling too great.. I am just so exhausted all the time.. Not just tired but it-hurts-to-keep-my-eyes-open-exhaustion. It hits me out of nowhere and makes me feel so ill. It's been getting me down so I've been holed up in the house, mostly feeling sorry for myself! I'm going to to the doctors next week so hopefully they can figure out what's wrong!

I have a few random thoughts running through my head...

James has decide that his new wake-up time is 4am.. Not such a big fan of that..

I need to stop comparing myself to other women. There are so many Inspiring women out there in blog land that sometimes it gets me down..

I'm trying to decide whether to continue growing my hair or have it cut short again. I used to have it just above my shoulders but I haven't had it cut in a few months so it's grown.. I thought I wanted to grow it until yesterday I watched my sisters wedding video and realised how nice my hair looks short! Decisions decisions!

A while back I posted about my sister raising money for Nimah, a local 5 year old girl battling cancer. The whole county got involved, even people outside the county.. We were trying to raise £450,000, so she could have life saving treatment in America.. Last week Nimah passed away. I honestly think the whole county went into mourning.. The night after she passed away her family asked everyone to light a candle at 8pm to remember her.. I did this and then at around 8.30pm I went onto Facebook and my whole news feed was photos of lit candles.. It was beautiful and so touching. She was such a beautiful brave little girl. Life can be so unfair sometimes. I cannot imagine what her family is going through.

Things like that make me appreciate what I have.. Not that I don't appreciate it on a day to day basis but it really made me think and re-evaluate myself.

And before I go.. Some photos from this week..



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